College

Well, my dad and I had a little conversation this week. We were in the car and somehow we began talking about college. And he continued talking like always, never stopping for my input, just giving out his two cents like always. I finally couldn't take it anymore and the only way I could possibly fix things is to break his heart. I hate to say it, but I burst out crying on purpose. There was this argument in my head saying DON'T CRY, CRY, DON'T CRY, CRY. And I hate to inconveniently cry...If that's possible. But you can only hold in your emotions for so long which is something I tend to do. I stand strong in large crowds but I only cry in the presence of my God. I've realized that if I cry in front of people, someone ends up getting hurt. I either say something wrong, or I don't express my emotions quite right to other peoples understanding, or I get hurt because I'm not as stable as I thought I was. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I don't know of any other way to explain it. I can't stand for anyone to get their feelings hurt, so I just keep to myself. Anyway, I burst out crying. And my dad didn't understand why I was crying. And I didn't quite understand why I was crying either. I just got tired of him talking to me about college, especially seeing as I don't know where I want to go or major in. But he asked me why I started crying. And all that could come to my mind was "I never feel like your proud of me." Which for anyone reading, is not the smartest thing to say to a parent just for future reference. Just to make a long story short. It all boiled down to him figuring out that my parent's divorce is the main reason I always feel like he's not proud of me. The reason being is b/c he lives so far out, I feel it's an inconvenience for him to come see me for events of importance. I need my father's presence. I miss him so much, that it hurts. I've realized that him leaving has brought me back to square one; I'm back to where I've started. When I was younger, he was never at home. And that somehow made me shy; I didn't want to communicate with anyone. I guess he was my comfort, my shield, when he was around, I knew that everything would be okay soon, if not immediately. When my parents divorced, that happened all over again, but I was so confused at that time...Typical middle school craziness (I passionately dislike middle school!) so I covered my insecurity w/ forcing myself to appear secure. And I've now realized that's what was going on. And soon after my heart was broken, I went through a major shyness. So people saw an almost immediate change in my behavior. I didn't go this in depth with my dad. But I'm actually understanding this as I type. LOL