You know? I used to feel all sorts of things. I used to feel love, compassion, hatred, fear, jealousy, pity, but all of that drifted away some time ago. I don’t know when or why; there’s probably a reason somewhere out there, but I haven’t figured it out yet. I think it was when I moved off to college, or shortly before that momentous time. A lot of things happen between graduation and moving off. A whole lot happens when you actually watch your parent(s) and sibling(s) coast off into the old world you left behind for education. You meet new people; you find friends…friends you wouldn’t expect to become friends with in high school. You have a new life completely. Things change. You grow. It’s expected, but you have no clue on how much until you look back at it all.
College is a busy world. It’s a world between adolescence and the real “real world”. Not quite as busy as it will get, but not as wasteful as high school. You have homework that the professors “fail to mention” (Note to self: Check your syllabus!), tests that are your only chance to pass the class, and resident assistants who check to see if your room is spotless on a weekly basis. Although, those aren’t entirely all that bad. That’s only the beginning. Living with your friends is the best and worst idea, especially in a freshman girls’ dormitory. It seems as if drama follows everyone. If you’re not the cause or the victim, have no doubt that you will be in the middle! And when you need to study the most, they want to go out for ice cream. It’s so hard to stand your ground when chocolate’s involved.
Despite all of that, you have to find out what you believe is truth. You make your decisions. You do what you want on a Friday night, or Sunday morning. You do what you want with all of your time. No one wakes you up in the morning anymore, unless you have a controlling roommate. You choose your friends, enemies, and boyfriends. Your friends can’t do it for you, although sometimes they are the incentive or hindrance to your decision. You choose whether or not you want the Wal-Mart brand or Pillsbury; Colgate or Crest; Suave or Frizz Ease. Your life is your life. You have 100% responsibility for you; no one else.
I think this scared me when I came to this “AHA” moment. I was scared of making a dumb mistake of myself. So I backed off. Quit trying, and pretended for a school year. I acted how I thought everyone wanted me to act throwing the real me in every once in a while of course, but mainly trying to show myself that it’s easy to take the easy way out. Living the life everyone wants me to live. Living the easy way was the hardest thing I have ever done though. I lost myself in fakeness. I stopped writing songs. I stopped being brutally honest…which I was fairly good at before moving to college. I stopped telling people what I thought. I didn’t want to be the cause of conflict. I fear conflict. So if I didn’t like something, I didn’t say a word. If I liked something, I didn’t say a word. Only when I felt like everyone felt the same way did I say something. That was the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. I thought I had learned that my fears were to be stomped on, not nurtured. But I was wrong. I continued to keep to myself, like I have most of my life.
Authentic. Unstoppable. Determined. Successful. Reliable. These are the words that I want to describe me. I want a chance in changing the face of the earth. No matter how much it energy it takes of me. I have a story, and I want to share it. I’m tired of being the man woman behind the curtain. I want to join the crusade in living with all there is of my being. I want to return to who I abandoned about a year ago. A music-loving imaginative artist who loves Christ and follows his every command because he is her creator and provider…the lover of her soul.
